80s Quotes Part 1
Uncle Kracker: When they took off Darth Vader's helmet and he looked like Curly from The Three Stooges, you know that was the biggest let down to every kid in America
Hal Sparks: They were like, 'Who shot J.R.?' I was like, 'Well, who'll shoot the rest of them?'
Hal Sparks: We used to draw a line of chalk on the sidewalk and say, "Look: Smurf people this side; Strawberry Shortcake people over there. And you Care Bear jerk-offs can just stick off the sidewalk entirely."
Michael Ian Black: Give me short skirts, give me roller skates, give me Xanadu. I'm a happy man
Hal Sparks: (on the Popemobile) Keep your Pope fresh! I think my Pope is spoiling!
Mo Collins: (on the mullet) All business in the front, nothing but a party in the back. Whoooo!
Rich Eisen: (on Dungeons and Dragons) You weren't going to meet ladies playing that.
Michael Ian Black: The one thing The Dukes of Hazzard taught us is, if you're ever in trouble with the law, get in your car, and flee.
Joel Stein: (on Fast Times at Ridgemont High) My favorite scene is when Phoebe Cates takes off her top, 'cause I'm a simple, simple man.
Michael Ian Black: Nina Blackwood could've taught me a thing or twelve
Hal Sparks:(about E.T.) It taught me to hate the government. The government will come into your house, and they will try to take away your alien pet.
Appolonia Kotero: [On Mr. T] He was Bling-Bling before there was Bling-Bling.
Hal Sparks: Wacky Wallwalkers were basically snot that you could play with all day.
Matt Letscher: Return of the Jedi. That was the teddy bear movie, right?
Mo Collins: What isn't smarter than David Hasselhoff?
Michael Ian Black: David Hasselhoff somehow manages to step into piles of turds and turn them into gold. He's done it for 20 years. The man may be the smartest human being on the planet
Michael Ian Black: He-Man was maybe the single most homoerotic cartoon ever devised
Jillian Barberie: Gag me with a spoon!
Hal Sparks: How about something else... besides a spoon, ma'am?
Melissa Etheridge: (on "Flashdance") In the '80s I knew lots of woman welders, but that's a whole different story
B.D. Wong: I was a short guy, and he was our hero, Michael J. Fox
Donal Logue: There was some kinky shit going on in a galaxy far, far away long, long ago.
Hal Sparks: Lucas says that he planned out all these stories from the very beginning, so why are they kissing in the first one? It's gross. Why in the first poster of Star Wars is she clinging to his leg, like an inch and a half from his crank, and then two years later it's his sister. Eww
Michael Ian Black: (on He-Man being gay) I think Skeletor was a skeleton. We can have skeletons in our closet. Sometimes we come out of the closet.
Tom Arnold: (on Michael Jackson's hair fire) That's when people really cared if his hair set on fire or not.
Mo Collins: [Prince] probably would only come up to my navel, which isn't such a bad thing, if you think about it
Michael Ian Black: Nobody knew George Michael was gay. Nobody even suspected. How could they?
Michael Ian Black: I remember an interview with Huey Lewis saying he wrote "I Want a New Drug" in about five minutes, and I remember thinking, "that sounds about right."
Henry Rollins: (on Care Bears) Fat chicks named Heather would want you to sign them.
Joe Elliot: (on Bruce Springsteen) I remember seeing him dancing, and thinking, "stop it!"
Hal Sparks: [Madonna] wore her underwear outside her clothes like someone who'd been struck by lightning
Dave Mustaine: You know when a tour's going bad when you have start have flashes of Spinal Tap
Michael Ian Black: Michael J. 'is he ever a' Fox. Am I right?
Michael Ian Black: If I had the Emmanuel Lewis transformer that transformed into Gary Coleman, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you. I'd be laying back on a beach in Tahiti, counting my money.
Michael Ian Black: (on "We Are the World") You had all these giants of music, and then you had Dan Aykroyd standing in the back.
Michael Ian Black: (on Small Wonder) Nobody knows that the little girl who talks like a robot, is a robot
Hal Sparks: If you could pick one person to be with you on a deserted island, it would be a girl named MacGyver
Michael Ian Black: (on Live Aid) Phil Collins flew from London to Philadelphia on the Concorde, proving once again that he is the coolest human being on the planet
Melissa Etheridge: (on Pee-Wee's Big Adventure) Come on, you can't have a shot of tequila, or two or three these days, and not do the tequila dance
Hal Sparks: I saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure at the YMCA, and we all discussed his bike for a week. It had streamers and what was that, a gas tank?
Michael Ian Black: (on Small Wonder) Either she's really a robot, or she's fucking crazy
Michael Ian Black: (on Bill Cosby) There comes a time when you have so much money that all you can do is spend it on horrible, horrible-looking sweaters that no one else can afford
Hal Sparks: (on ALF) The nose was a bit much. It was, like, 'ribbed for your pleasure’
Weird Al" Yankovic: I was going to ram into you, but since you've apparently got a baby on board, I'll try to hold back.
Hal Sparks: I remember that there were a lot of celebrities involved in Hands Across America, and none of them were near me in line.
Michael Ian Black: I'm all for helping people, and if you can laugh at them at the same time, great.
Michael Ian Black: You never saw the homeless at Comic Relief. They probably would've enjoyed the shelter
Mo Rocca: Celebrity weddings are so popular because we know they will crash and burn and make us feel better about our own lives.
Michael Ian Black: The plot of Top Gun is as follows: Tom Cruise flies an airplane around, and then tries to have sex with that girl
Sammy Hagar: (on the "Addicted to Love" video) How many of us in other bands thought, "Man, I should've thought of that"?
Michael Ian Black: (on Salt-n-Pepa) They did "Push It". They pushed it in all the right ways
Michael Ian Black: (on Cheers) There's the alcoholic bartender who doesn't drink, but encourages others to drink as much as is humanly possible
Michael Ian Black: (on Bono) He is the Messiah; there's no getting around it.
Tyler Stewart: (on acid-wash) I remember seeing it for the first time in a store and thinking, "Wow, that sucks."
Michael Ian Black: (on "It's the End of the World as We Know It") It's just an excuse for drunken frat boys to all scream 'Leonard Bernstein' really loudly, at the same time
Dee Snider: (on Jon Bon Jovi) There's no smiling in heavy metal, Jon. People didn't even know we had teeth until he came along.
Andrew "Dice" Clay: (on "Fatal Attraction") I think it was a movie that made people have affairs. The elevator scene? You're not going to get that at home
Finola Hughes: I never had a dancing instructor like Patrick Swayze. I don't think I would've done a lot of dancing if I had
Michael Ian Black: Don't ask me to choose between Tifanny and Debbie Gibson. That's like asking me to choose between my children
Raven Symone: (on "Push It") What it means, I don't know, cuz I was like, four.
Darius Rucker: (on Fatal Attraction) Every man walkin' out of the theater after seeing that movie said to his wife or girlfriend, "Honey, I love you!"
Hal Sparks: (on Rain Man) A young man exploits his autistic brother for financial gain, then regrets it, but keeps the money. Welcome to the '80s!
Hal Sparks: (on Who's the Boss?) They have to call you 'Tony' on your own show, when your real name is Tony? Something is desperately wrong.
Joel Stein: (on Yo! MTV Raps) I'm having enough trouble as a white guy trying to understand this rap stuff; I need two Dr. Dre's in my life?
Hal Sparks: (on George Michael's "Father Figure") Not written about a girl.
Kevin Weisman: (on The Cure) It's where all the scary goth kids come from.
Mo Rocca: I love statistics myself, so Rain Man really spoke to me.
Michael Moore: (on the Berlin Wall falling) A buddy of mine gets up and he's dancing on the wall, and the German guards are all like 'get down or we will shoot you!' and everybody's going "okay, shoot me!"
Michael Ian Black: (on Say Anything...) If I have something so deeply personal that I don't know what to say, I let Peter Gabriel do my talking for me.
Weird Al Yankovic: (on the Internet) Then: only 100,000 hosts. Now: 36,000,000 hosts. You want to know something even more amazing? Only 35,000,000 of them are porn
Michael Ian Black: (on the Berlin Wall falling) Who better to speak for the hopes of millions than Hasselhoff? Singing anthems, shaking his ass, talking to cars.
Hal Sparks: Friday the 13th did for camp what Jaws did for swimming. Remember when camp was fun? And every year you would be like, "Oh, I can't wait to go to camp! Is it time to go to camp yet?" And a year later, after Friday the 13th, "I don't wanna go to camp!"
Juliette Lewis: (on Mommie Dearest) I feared her, and yet wanted to become her.
John Fugelsang: Beastmaster was the movie a lot of young boys watched and thought, "gee, maybe I am gay."
Mo Rocca: [The Road Warrior] was an accurate description of life in a leather bar.
Rachael Harris: I think T.J. Hooker proved that, once again, William Shatner tricked the studios into thinking he could act.
Hal Sparks: (on Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan) They put [Spock] in a sunglasses case, and shot him into space.
Loni Love: Lou Gossett, Jr. got the supporting Academy Award for [An Officer and a Gentleman], and we haven't seen him since
John Amos: I was invited to a lot of strange S&M parties after I wore that outfit [in Beastmaster].
Hal Sparks: How do we make slavery funny again? I know, let's write a movie called The Toy
Flavor Flav: (about Men at Work) Are they the best export to come out of Australia, besides U2...oh thats right, they came from Ireland!
Mo Rocca: The movie The Toy taught you that money can't buy you everything, but it can buy you a black man
Donal Logue: (on The Beastmaster) Tiger, you stand there. Ferrets, run down his pants and bite his penis! Let's go!
Rachael Harris: If I saw [Martina Navratilova] on the street, in real life, she would [bleep] me up.
Hal Sparks: KISS came out with an album called Lick it Up and took their make-up off on MTV, and my world collapsed
Announcer: (on Yentl) The unbeatable combination of cross-dressing and Scripture.
Hal Sparks: The best thing about Richard Simmons is he really cares about these big, fat women, and I think that's nice. I really do. I like Richard Simmons.
Beth Littleford: Thorn Birds--so unrealistic. I mean, a priest... falling in love... with a woman?
Donal Logue:[impersonating a cop]Why did you do it?...For a Klondike Bar.
Donal Logue: You know what I would do for a Klondike Bar? Just shell out the 52 cents and buy one.
Hal Sparks: I think that Christine was scarier [than Cujo]. A dog gets rabies, you just shoot it. I don't know what you do with a devil-possesed car.
Hal Sparks: Fraggle Rock was just another example of pot-induced puppetry.
Mo Rocca: I was free-basing Chicken McNuggets all through the '80s
Mo Rocca: The Day After was hilarious!
Hal Sparks: Cagney and Lacey originally had a longer title, which was Mom, There's Two Big, Lesbian Cops at the Door!
Lita Ford: When I sat on a barstool, people yelled, "Lita sat there! Can you autograph it?" And I'd write, "Scratch and sniff. Love, Lita."
Mo Rocca: The moral of Gremlins is like The Karate Kid, which is "the old Asian guy always knows."
Darius Rucker: I'm a dork. Of course I started a wave. Several.
Juliette Lewis: (on My Little Pony) This is enough to hypnotize any young child: diamond sparkly eyes.
Michael Ian Black: Truly, I have always wanted a My Little Pony, but I never had the courage to ask for one. (as his mother) Don't you want a dirt bike, Mike? (back to himself) Just a My Little Pony... please?
Michael Ian Black: [Freddy Krueger] sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. It doesn't matter if you've been bad or good. He's gonna stab you in the throat.
Michael Ian Black: Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous shows, in excruciating detail, all the things you will never have.
Frank Stallone: It's a show that really makes you hate rich people. I almost didn't speak to my brother after that.
Michael Ian Black: It seems to me if you were inclined to smoke crack to begin with, the rhyming phrase "crack is whack" was probably not going to stop you.
Hal Sparks: I don't care who you are. You can't not love I Want to Know What Love Is.
Michael Ian Black: If you mess with the formula to Coca-Cola, suddenly you've got problems. You've got riots.
Juliette Lewis: (reading Jolt can) This is so wrong. "All the sugar, and twice the caffeine."
Michael Ian Black: [Double Dare] was about taunting, am I right? One set of children made to feel superior over another. That's the kind of television I can support.
Michael Ian Black: (on Rainbow Brite) I love that her hair is made of yarn. So often with these dolls, you get synthetic hair that feels bad to the touch. Not Rainbow. (hugs his Rainbow Brite doll)
David Lee Roth: Everyone wants to be known as hip, young, sexy, and cool. Especially fat people
Brian Unger: Suzanne Vega proved to the world, "I can write a song about child abuse, and you'll like it."
Zach Hanson: I've never been attracted to an animal, except for Cheetara.
Michael Ian Black: (on Disorderlies) Lets get Ralph Bellamy and 3 obese rappers and just let them go at each other.
Loni Love: (on Flowers in the Attic) Everybody was talking about the book, this was what taught me to read, cuz Dr. Seuss wasn't doing anything for me.
Hal Sparks: Young Guns: my mom and my sister used to call that movie "Young Buns."
Joel Stein: The Jamaican bobsled team uncovered the horrible, obvious truth. That bobsled is not a sport, it's a ride.
Michael Ian Black: What happens when you say "Beetlejuice" three times? You die? He dies? Somebody dies?
Michael Ian Black: Was I a fan of "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car"? Hello! Do the words 'greatest song ever written' mean anything to you?
Joel Stein: (on My Two Dads) Bad news. Your mom's dead, and she was a slut. We have no idea who your father is. It's probably one of these two guys. Why don't you go live with them?
Mandy Moore: (on Who Framed Roger Rabbit) Doom really freaked me out. He was catching toons and dipping them in acid.
Michael Ian Black: My touchdown dance would be bow, rondolet, rondolet, push-the-clouds, push-the-clouds, jazz hands!